Starting School

This is a big moment - waving a child off to school for the first time is a watershed moment in our parenting journey. Even if they have been at nursery for some time, school can seem like a whole new world! It is often more formal, teachers become “Mrs or Mr”, there are uniforms, new rules, new expectations to manage. We  are suddenly faced with a new place and new people to place our trust in where wehope they will nurture and support our children. 

Some children will walk into school without a backwards glance, others will take longer to settle. Some children initially go straight in and then reality kicks in a few weeks down the line and they struggle at that point! None of these is right or wrong, it is just different children and different contexts. 

One thing we can be sure of is that however exciting it may be, starting school can be tiring and overwhelming, even for the children who settle quickly. There are things we can do at home to support this transition, which often lasts for at least the first term, if not longer. Here are a few ideas of how to support children to stay grounded as they transition into the next phase of their lives…

1. Reflect on - and adjust if necessary - their out of school schedule. Some children thrive on being busy, but school can be tiring and a too full schedule out of school hours can be too much. Sometimes it is helpful to slow the pace down and create some extra space and time, just for a few months while they adjust.

2. Prepare for the out of school meltdowns - children are under high expectations while they are at school and will often try incredibly hard to live up to these. They have a lot of new information to learn, new ways to communicate, new friendship dynamics to negotiate and new problems to solve. It isn’t surprising that sometimes their behaviour at home signifies a need to let go, not be in control, and simply let out those big feelings. 

3. Support their emotions through validation, naming of feelings and brainstorming ways to manage when they are struggling. Acceptance of the way they are feeling is important - our role is to support them without judgement, hold their big emotions for them when everything becomes too much, and let them know they are loved no matter what.

4. Factor in regular relaxation and mindfulness time. This builds up over time so it doesn’t need to be daily (although that’s great if you can manage it!) - but perhaps 3x a week to start with. 

5. Do lots of real life skills that are grounding. Washing the car, helping to prepare dinner, gardening, even cleaning - these are all activities that can create a state of ‘flow’…they are grounding, relaxing and of course promote independence too.

6. Offer opportunities for free creative expression. Art is a great way for children to express themselves - offer free drawing and painting so they can use this as a way of processing their new experiences and their feelings. 

7. Offer plenty of time for free play. Once at school, children suddenly find their time is a lot more scheduled than previously. They may miss the moments when they could simply play for hours with cars, teddies, Lego or building blocks. Help them with the transition by providing for this at home.

8. Try not to over quiz your child about their day. One of the things parents find most frustrating is not knowing what their child did, how their day was etc. Children are often remarkably reluctant to talk about these things! Quizzing them won’t help - instead you could try having everyone in the family share one positive and one challenging thing from their day each evening at dinner.

9. Remember this is a transition time for everyone. There will be new routines, new emotions, and new ways of being that emerge. Your child might come out with new words and new ways of talking because they are learning about the world outside their home and working out how to fit in with their peers. When challenges present, if we can remember this is a chance to talk things through, we have the opportunity to lay down habits that will see us through the next decade (and beyond!) of parenting.

10. Focus on connection, above all else. When they return from school, we need to refill their emotional fuel tank with love and connection. 

Starting school is the next great adventure. It is exciting, scary, filled with opportunity and filled with new experiences. Our role is to be there to hold our children through the adventure, to help them build their confidence, take another step into the world outside the family, and be the safe haven to which they return to reconnect and refuel before they do it all again the next day!

Big Feelings

Emotions are a fundamental part of who we are as humans. Children have them in bucket loads, just as we do, and they are very good at displaying them. Sometimes they may be able to verbalise how they feel, but more often than not they show us through their behaviour and actions. 

To help children’s well-being one of the most important things we can do is to take the time to support them with understanding their emotions, and with being able to communicate them appropriately. Children need to be able to express themselves without fear of judgment, knowing they will be met by an adult who is grounded, emotionally invested and committed to supporting them with love, kindness and respect.

Emotional intelligence and literacy are both connected with how we understand, express and respond to emotion.  Emotional intelligence is how we understand our own and other people’s emotions, including being able to show empathy, while emotional literacy is about how we express and communicate our feelings, as well as how we read other people’s feelings.

When children have emotional intelligence and literacy, they are able to develop better social relationships, more self-awareness, more appropriate ways of communicating how they feel, as well as improved self-regulation. They become aware of their emotions, but not ruled by them. 

Here are our top tips for supporting children’s development of emotional literacy and intelligence…

1. Name feelings in a kind and non-judgemental way. When children associate feelings with a real experience they will be able to learn about them, and they will also feel validated. 

2. Accept how your child is feeling without judgement or blame, and irrespective of the behaviour that comes with it. As Daniel Siegel explains, “Say yes to the feelings, even as we say no to the behaviour”.

3. Recognise that behaviour is generally a way of communicating a feeling and respond to the feeling inside rather than the behaviour.

4. Teach empathy by showing empathy. When a child does something ‘wrong’ it is important to still show empathy for how they are feeling, even if we also need to make it clear the behaviour wasn’t ok.

5. Role model and teach alternative ways of handling and expressing feelings. This might include breathing, mindfulness, physical activity, creative expression or talking.

Children are primed for learning in their early years, and this is the ideal time to start supporting them with learning about their own, and other people’s emotions. It isn’t always easy to remember that behaviour is a form of communication, but when we take a different perspective it means there is real opportunity for supportive learning and development to take place. 

The other thing that it can be helpful to remember is not to have higher expectations of children than we have of ourselves. We don’t always manage to communicate as we would like, or manage our feelings as well as we would hope…a young child with a brain still in development certainly can’t either! When we accept the emotions a child is experiencing with presence and openness, we create space for them to be acknowledged and to pass.

Kids Love Fun!

Fun might not seem like the obvious choice for a blog - it’s probably something many of us take for granted should just be part of life. But the reality is most of us can also identify with when life gets busy and stressful, and fun slips to the bottom of the agenda. Laughter increases our happy hormones, and reduces our stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Fun is key to our well-being and definitely deserves to be a commitment we make to ourselves.

We might think that to restore a sense of fun to family life we have to make big, exciting plans, but sometimes the secret is actually to do the opposite of this and embrace the small moments. Parental guilt is real - especially today in the age of social media and so much awareness about parenting. We are often encouraged to think that fun means bigger and better, or that it means an activity that produces instagram worthy content and photos. 

Yet, when we find new ways of thinking and remember that fun can be found in the small details of every day, in the journey, it can be transformative. We don’t have to plan big exciting (or costly) events and experiences to provide fun. It may be a cliche, but just as much fun can be found in a cardboard box as in the latest toy that the box contained.

One of the challenges can be that we get so swept up in daily life that we forget to include fun in the small moments. We can also get so focused on the task at hand - with the best of intentions - that we think this is what matters the most - we think that we have to get to the end of it, and that the outcome matters most. 

One of the bonuses of having a child in our lives is that we have a reminder of how to be present, of how to enjoy the moment, and how to embrace pure joy without fear of judgement. They are experts at it, after all. They can take pleasure from the discovery of an ant on the pavement, from reading a book over and over again, from digging in sand for hours. They are experts at mindful moments because they focus on the process, on the moment, not on the end result.

Here are some tips for how we can remember to find the fun in the every day -

1. Create space for daily movement and ‘silly moments’ as a way of getting rid of cortisol by jumping, rolling, dancing, stretching, and running races.

2. Do a family brainstorm of the fun things you would like to do and next time you’re stuck for a plan, check the list for inspiration. You could have a box for free activities, another box for more costly ones or boxes for short or long activities. Fill each box with cards of ideas. Depending on finances and time, pick a card from the relevant box and you have a ready made idea.

3. Get creative with household chores into fun by making them a game or even turning them into a competition.

4. Introduce a regular family games night and hold family movie nights complete with popcorn and blankets to keep everyone cosy.

5. Make dinner time fun by having a weekly or monthly international dinner - pick a new culture or cuisine to cook and explore.

One of the biggest things we can do is to allow time and take our cues from the children - when they pause and enjoy the small things, we can challenge ourselves to forget everything else for just for a few minutes, and follow their lead of being truly in the moment.

Getting Ready for School

It is that time of year when parents and children find out where their next adventure will take them. For nursery children, this is their first step into formal education, and for parents and children, it brings up some big questions and feelings. 

For children, there may be worries about the unknown. For those without siblings, school has very little meaning. They may also be feeling the pressure of all of the talk about being a ‘big girl / boy’ and wondering what this really means. Can they still cry, have cuddles, feel vulnerable? For parents, there is perhaps fear over whether their child is ready for this next step. Do they know enough? Should they be writing their name? What if they are still struggling with using the toilet? Will someone give them a hug if they are sad? Do they know their numbers well enough? 

Every child will enter their reception year with different experiences, knowledge, and interests. The teachers know this, and one of their skills during the first term is to help children to settle, identify the support they need, and help everyone to find their way. 

So, do we need to prepare children for school? Yes, we should absolutely give this both time and thought. However, perhaps not in the traditional sense. It definitely isn’t the end of the world if your child doesn’t know how to write, or doesn’t know their letters yet. In the same way, just because they do know these things, it doesn’t mean the transition to school will be super easy.

The focus of our thoughts and time should be on how we support children to handle the feelings that starting school brings up. It should be on preparing them to be independent, resilient, and to really love learning. Here are some thoughts - 

Independence - if children know how to choose an activity, start solving problems and manage their self-care, this is a really helpful start. This comes from small, everyday actions. It comes from empowering children to make choices (about what they wear, eat, and do, for example), from letting them help around the house (with dinner prep, for instance) and from always asking ourselves, “Could they do this for themselves? Am I stepping in too soon?”

Resilience to mistakes - learning to work things out, being creative, coming up with solutions, and knowing it is ok to get things wrong are key skills for life and education. This comes from seeing mistakes as ‘friendly’. When a child makes a mistake, we can either fix it for them (possibly leaving them feeling unempowered) or we can leave them to do it alone (possibly leaving them feeling unsupported). There is a third way - to support them in finding a solution for themselves - offering encouragement and asking questions to support their own thinking.

Love of learning - this comes from children being able to focus on the things they love. We don’t need to persuade them to sit down with us and do activities to get them ready for school (such as tracing letters, for example). We do need to allow them to develop ‘fascinated attention’ - to enjoy reading a book together, to pause and watch a bug crawling across the ground and then going to look up what bug they have found. When this happens, children learn to love learning, and they also develop concentration easily and naturally.

Feelings - whenever a major life transition happens, it’s important we provide emotional support to children to get through it. This is what makes the difference in terms of how they experience the world around them. Here are our top tips for supporting emotions when starting school - 

• Avoid talking about school constantly from April until September. 5 months is a long time in the life of a 3 or 4 year old. When it gets to June/July, do start walking past their new school, looking at pictures and talking about it. Ask the school if they have a booklet with pictures of the classroom, toilets, playground, lunch area, and teachers that you can look at with your child. 

• Make sure your child knows it is ok to be worried, and even a little scared. They will be feeling this whether you give voice to it or not, and once we give voice to big emotions, they become a lot less overwhelming. 

• Talk about the positives, and the challenges. There will be lots of exciting things, but there may also be some new challenges. It’s important for children to know they can feel both excited and nervous. Try asking them what they are excited and worried about to help them embrace the coming changes.

• Don’t expect them to suddenly be the big girl or boy all the time. Sometimes children go through a bit of a regression in the run up to school or when starting school (especially if this coincides with having a new sibling or a young baby in the family). This can happen when they are feeling the pressure of being the big girl or boy all of a sudden. 

Most of all, relax and enjoy your final few months together before school starts. It is all too easy to get caught up in the future, but one of the things we can do to support children’s well-being is to help them be grounded in the present moment. Enjoy books, walks, songs, cooking (even cleaning!) together, focus on the warmth of your parent-child connection and enjoy the journey. With these things in place, much of the preparation for school will take care of itself.