Parenting undoubtedly brings a mixture of emotions and thoughts, from total joy to fear and worry, and everything in between. One of the things we can default to when we feel out of control, worried or like we are not getting things right is to put more and more pressure on ourselves and the situation we find ourselves in.
The reason this often ends up spiralling and making things worse is that children’s developing brains don’t respond well to too much pressure, especially about situations that can be emotive.
As an example, toileting is a classic situation that can cause pressure for the whole family. It feels like a developmental stage that we want to get ‘right’ for our child, and, if we are honest, we would prefer the number of days, weeks and months of ‘accidents’ to be kept to a minimum!
However, when we add more pressure to an already sensitive situation, we tend to turn the child away from the very thing we are trying to help them with. The more we pile the pressure on to not have an accident, to use the potty regularly, and to get toilet training ‘done’ as quickly as possible, the more we risk putting them off the entire process. Of course, this isn’t the case for all children. Some children do toilet train in super quick time, and very easily. But, where parents do hit a bump in the road, it can be very useful to know to reduce the pressure, not increase it!
Food is another good example. When our children don’t eat, many of us definitely feel the pressure. Instinctively we want them to eat and be healthy, so we come up with inventive ways to make them finish their plate, eat their greens, and try a variety of foods. While all of these are understandable from the parent perspective, from the child’s perspective they feel the pressure and try to move away from the cause - in other words, ironically they are less likely to eat as a result!
What can we do instead? Here are some ideas…
We can validate how children feel about a situation: acknowledging that they don’t want to do something sometimes frees them up to make a different choice than if we pile the pressure on
Keep offering opportunities patiently and without expectation - one day they might just surprise you!
Offer choices leading to the same outcome: “Would you like to use the potty or the toilet?”
Try lightening the mood by taking a break or introducing something fun to do
A certain amount of stress is good in life. It helps us to learn how to manage challenging situations, and doesn’t do us harm. But too much pressure can lead to too much stress (for everyone!), so a good rule of thumb when it comes to children is to stay grounded and try to remove the stress and pressure not only from them, but also from ourselves.