Sharing is one of those parenting hot topics. Most parents at one moment or another have felt the pressure of feeling their child should be able to share. It seems to have been written into parenting folklore: if your child can share, you are a good parent and they will turn out to be a good person.
But is it this straightforward? Like most things connected to children, the answer is no! For a start, our understanding of sharing often leaves something to be desired.
When a child is engaged and playing, and another child wants to join in and use the toy too, our usual response is to say the first child needs to share. We also heap praise on children when they do share.
Here’s the challenge. Sharing isn’t really that relevant to real life. If you’re reading a book on a train, you wouldn’t expect a fellow passenger to ask to share your book. You might expect a friend to ask if they could read it when you’ve finished with it. With this in mind, doesn't it make more sense to teach children that while they are using something, they have the right to say whether or not someone else joins in? We can also then teach them that when we have finished with something, it’s kind to offer someone else the chance to use it.
The other thing that it’s important to bear in mind is the age of the children we are talking about. When it comes to very young children of 1, 2, 3, sometimes even 4 year olds, we are expecting their brain to work in a way they’re just not ready for.
Children are known for being fairly ego-centric, and that isn’t by accident. Their developmental drives have to be strong so they want to grow, learn and develop in the ways they need to. Sometimes, this makes them less aware of other people’s needs than one day they will learn to be. They are also working with a brain that is not yet fully developed or able to take the perspective of another person - so asking them to understand sharing is tricky.
Interestingly, research has even shown that when we praise children for being good at sharing, we make them less likely to share in the future!
Instead of insisting on sharing, it is worth trying a different approach…
Hope children learn how to ask someone if they can join in with an activity or game.
Support a child who is playing to know it is okay to say ‘no’ when someone wants to join in (and that is okay to say ‘yes’ of course, too!)
Support the child who has been told ‘no’ to know this isn’t personal or because they are not liked - it is just that the other child wants space to play by themselves for a bit.
Help children learn to respect when other children are playing, and not insist that they disturb them by asking them to share.
Show children that they can have a turn once their sibling/friend has finished with the toy or activity.
Moving away from an insistence on sharing into teaching children real life skills and communication helps them not only now, but in the future. They learn boundaries, how to say no, how to accept being told no…and they learn that they will get their turn, they may just have to wait a while. This all helps to develop self-control, which helps with behaviour and self-regulation too!