January is often a time when we try to create space to reflect on different aspects of our lives, and parenting is no exception to this. This blog will explore the role of routine and rhythm in family life.
We all find ourselves in different situations when it comes to parenting. We have different children with different personalities, different working contexts, different family structures, different values and belief systems. It is important to find what works best for our own family.
Routine is one of those words that is often used when it comes to parenting advice. Some parents love a routine, some find it restricting and too much of a commitment, and some of us are constantly trying to work out what a routine *should* look like for our child!
So are routines necessary, and do children need and like them?
It is true that many children do indeed thrive on some sort of routine. Routines give children a sense of predictability about their lives. We take it for granted as adults that we know what is happening in our day, and we also have an element of control over things, for example what we eat, and perhaps even when we eat it. Children often don’t have this control and it can be alarming for them.
In essence, having a routine really comes down to providing consistency and predictability for children. Predictability and consistency are key elements of supporting children to develop their executive function skills, and developing the ability to manage stress. Executive function skills enable us to think rationally, solve problems and manage our emotions healthily.
A very strict routine with no room for flexibility can often work against us, because life does need to provide for an element of flexibility. Developing flexible thinking is also one of executive function skills.
Having a rhythm to the day and the week can be a helpful way of seeing it, rather than a strict routine that can’t ever be changed. It also enables us to have self-compassion when we can’t stick to the routine!
It should be said that this will also depend on your child’s personality and neurotype. Some children seem to thrive without too much of a routine, and for other children it can be genuinely anxiety-inducing to have a lack of predictability in their lives. If you notice your child has meltdowns or experiences stress and anxiety when things change unexpectedly, or during transitions, it would be worth thinking about how you could increase their sense of predictability in day to day life.
Here are some tips for developing a consistent rhythm:
Use visual reminders or timelines especially if your family context means that predictability is harder to create. For example, a visual calendar of when one parent is working away and when they will be back can be really useful. If the days of the week vary or your child specifically needs more predictability, a set of pictures that can be used to show what will be happening today will provide information and emotional security.
Try to keep certain things as consistent as possible for example waking and bedtimes - this bookends the day with consistency and also helps with sleep.
Choose a couple of key routines to keep consistent. This might be fairly simple things like always getting dressed soon after waking up (before going downstairs / playing / watching tv) and always washing hands before mealtimes.
If your child struggles with transitions, always remember to a) connect first to help them feel secure and b) space the transitions out. For example if they struggle with leaving the house and getting dressed in the morning, don’t try and do all of this in one go. Tackle the dressing when they wake up and then leave a gap between having to leave the house so they have time to relax before the next transition.
Remember that consistency is key when it comes to routines and rhythms. If we have a general rule that you always get dressed before starting the day but only stick to it 5 days out of 7, it is likely to be incredibly hard work on the 5 days! Some children can cope with this flexibility, but many can’t, especially when they are very young.
Having a routine or a rhythm doesn’t have to be restrictive, because by necessity we often have to build in flexibility. But it can provide a much needed sense of security for our children as it helps them develop a sense of trust in the world around them.